I want to be in LOVE…
Today drained me! I’m not sure what today’s tea had in it but I’m sure it was whiskey. I always know when I’m not feeling my best because it tends to feel like my nervous system is jumping out of my body. I know that’s when my anxiety has gotten the best of me and all I want to do is fold inward. Today’s thought was, that I would love to lay in (yes in!) my man after he gets off work and we won’t talk for hours. We would just rub all over each other while I cried for 20 minutes, a mixture of happy, sad, and grateful tears. He wouldn’t ask me what was wrong because it is a part of my routine, we would make love, slowly but rough. Kiss all over each other, shower together well we talk about our day, I would make dinner, we would smoke than eat, pray, plan our next day, make love again, and close the night out in a deep sleep. I would’ve loved some intimate time with my partner, just to get lost for a minute. I want to be in love, a deeply passionate love where I am adored and admired. I want to be sought after deeply, I want my man to try to catch his breath often because it’s literally breathtaking to be with me. Then after nights like that, long deep conversations, and intimate time, I would imagine something like that would be refreshing.
The problem is I don’t have a man and that kind of intensity, people tend to run from because it takes a great level of unselfishness, awareness, & intimacy that people don’t even understand. Nights like that are built between two people willing to take that kind of ride and understand true peace, true love, and genuine care are what build relationships.
Now, I’m far from the relationship guru, so take everything I say with a grain of salt because I don’t know. But, they do say “good coaches don’t make good players”. I rebuke that on my life but y’all know what I’m saying.
Being in love is about being intentional, and taking care of your partner’s heart, emotional, and mental health. It’s about truly caring and showing up for someone whenever you can because you made a conscious decision to do so. It’s truly a commitment!
Like the commitment, I made to myself. To love, be patient, and absolutely care for me. One thing I’m going to do is take care of myself, FIRST!! There were so many times when I thought that other people came before me and that was so false and disgusting. I suffered! But never again, then I figured why should I today?
I put on my clothes after a long, content-filled day, and went to the grocery store. There is NOTHING a home-cooked meal can’t fix. I got the ingredients for a healthy, yet hearty meal to fix all of my emotional needs but still meet the caloric deficit that I’m in. What I put in my body has been a huge help when I started to decide how I wanted to feel. We just go everyday living and putting things in our bodies that hold zero benefits. Anything I put on or in my body I want it to be beneficial because if it isn’t then what are we doing?
I needed to know that I was taken care of, WELL taken care of, I needed to know that food would be prepared, good, and filling without thought.
After I put my food on, I got in the shower. Nothing calms my nerves like a piping hot shower and a great-smelling exfoliating scrub, my favorite right now is the Dove brown sugar and coconut butter scrub. It’s very gentle and illuminating, it smells so good and it’s gentle on your skin for a light glow. I put on my exfoliating shower gloves to emphasize the tenderness I felt for myself that night. I needed the pressure. I wanted to remind myself that I hear you, I love you, and I truly care for you, and your needs. All this was happening while listening to my favorite 90’s R&B playlist full of Jagged Edge, Sade, and Joe.
After my shower, I put on my favorite melatonin oil by Dr. Teals while still wet because that’s the best way for your body to absorb moisture. There’s nothing that says you hate yourself more than when you completely dry off with a towel and then apply lotion. While I dried off, I rolled up, prepared my dinner, and cleaned up my space so that when I sat down after slipping on my skankiest nightgown, I could eat in peace and quiet.
That’s what I literally did, no TV or music, just me, God, and a tough ass whine down. I tried to write but I didn’t even have the strength. I just wanted to be empty-minded, present, and whole at that moment. After I ate and smoked, I climbed into my perfect, beautiful, soothing bed to my 50-pound weighted blanket and weighted mask. It was the perfect night for a single girl, feeling herself, and her environment and getting rid of the bullshit that tried to take her out.
It was….romantic?
…I am in love…deeply
until my man comes ;)
Thank you for reading. I love you!
