Thee Alchemist

The Alchemist Book taken by Breshay Warnsley

Recently, I finished reading The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. I finished it weeks ago but just came across the conseus of what the story meant. First, the book came to me by complete surprise. I always heard great things about it being a “must-read”, but no one could never get me hyped enough to dive in. I recently started dating someone and he surprised me with the book along with a beautiful, gold metal bookmark. The fox shape bookmark is accented with orange, teal, and white colors attached to a symbol I can’t make out but, trust me when I say it’s beautiful. Along with a lavender notebook with the cutest little squishy frog. I adored the gifts which made me excited to read this book I’ve heard so much about.

When I open the book, I was immediately captivatived by the story the author was telling. The book took me on a journey of genuine love, admiration, purpose, and patience. It told the story of a little shepherd boys journey to finding his treasure. It spiked a deep thought within myself, I wanted to receive what the author meant to tell readers in it’s totality, not just in pieces. It took me a while to get to the point of understanding the book. Though, I found it brilliant, spiritually symbolic, and entertaining, but sometimes we are quick to make revelations about something we didn’t take time to think about. So I took my time dissected it, and now I believe I have a well thought out and considerate thoughts towards the book. Let me tell you about it.

The author started the story with telling readers of a little shepherd boy by the name of Santiago. He was an ambitious boy with a desire to find his treasure he received through his dreams. Through his journey, obstacles occurred that lead him to understand his true treasure was never about material things but about spiritual growth and self- discovery. While on the journey to finding his treasure, Santiago learned from the people he came in contact with. Everyone he spoke to had a story, their own journey, and helped the little boy where there may have been confusion. King of Salem taught him that his personal legend is one’s purpose in life, the english man he met got him curious about finding the secret of alchemy, and the alchemist he encounters guides him further by teaching him to listen to his heart and to understand the language of the world, which is full of omens.

Throughout the novel, Coelho explores themes of destiny, the pursuit of dreams, and the importance of following one’s heart. The story is deeply symbolic and offers a message about the interconnectedness of all things and the idea that the journey is as important as the destination. Santiago’s path reveals that when you pursue your Personal Legend, the universe conspires to help you along the way.

Or I would like to say, will reveal that “everything is working out for me”. The story is a tale for people who may find themselves at a pause in life to determining what’s next and what’s “expected” from them in a world that has no true guidance or structure. To me, the book is to inform readers of the challenges we have as humans. It shows that if we don’t go after the things that lights a fire and desire under us, how would we give the same fire and desire to the world? our communities? our families?

The Alchemist demonstrated the importance of being true to oneself and, that is, the journey to spiritual awakeness. Spiritual awakeness reveals confidence and that is self empowerment. This found self empowerment is what centers us to be present and become vessels to the environments and communities that we serve. When we are empowered and know how to empower ourselves, it becomes easier to empower the people around us.

Through my own spiritual journey, I’ve learned that the way back to ourselves from being disconnected for long periods of time is through self-empowerment and confidence. Getting back to “ourselves” is the healing that we need to transform our selves, families, and future generations. I say that to say, being the alchemist in your life is the anchor between who you are and who you help. Using your God given magic to transform or create something is your birthright. It’s the thing that keeps us balanced and allows phrases like “everything is working out for me” and “ all things happen for my good” to resonate deeply within us.

We set the tone for how things unrevil in our lives. We are the yayers or nay sayers. We invite in our capabilities or what we cause ourselves to be and have. This present work on self is never for us but for generations to come. Though, this story has deep rooted symbols and spiritual enlightment, the deepest consenus I recieved was the spiritual journeys we are on is never for us but for the people that are supposed to learn form us. When we are souled out in our purpose the people who are supposed to reach us and be reached only appear when we are doing exactly what we are supposed to be doing in the exact moment we are supposed to be doing it.

Be on your destined journey and be so intentional about it that you are in awe of how things are created and transformed. You are thee alchemist, unleash your magic.

I love you so much. Thank you for reading.

The Lessons of Love: A Message from A Wanderer

Today, I finished Tuesday with Morrie by Mitch Albom, when it ended I gave myself 10 minutes to cry like a baby before I moved on and completed 30 minutes of jumping rope in the sun. If you haven’t read the book it’s the biography of Morrie Schwartz, a loved college professor living a good life then found out he had polio. His favorite student who hasn’t seen him in 16 years finds out he has the disease, and flies from Detroit to Massachusetts every Tuesday just to spend his last days with him. A very romantic heartfelt story.

I’m not going to go through the specifics, you can read it yourself for the details. Naturally, I got to thinking about life and death. Specifically mine and what it has become. I asked that God continue to send me signs that I am doing the right thing while on the right path. He does, often. 

The fact of the matter is we can all be doing more, for our families, our communities, and even ourselves. However, the truth is we make the heaviest impact within ourselves. If as individuals we become the best people we can be, that energy pours into our communities and projects through our families. We, individually, are our community's biggest influence. Without high regard for self, everything around us crumbs. 

Well, that’s what I believe the book was saying. Morrie had this phrase he stated throughout the book that I believe he wanted to burn into the reader's minds, “love each other or die”. I took that as, love, true love is all we have to give to this world. Why waste the only gift we have dictating who gets it? 

Not in an overly ridiculous way to be naive or be used by others, but every time showing up as our best self and offering the only thing that matters, your presence, listening ear, no judgment, and compassion. True love!

Morrie was so gracious and gentle with himself through dying. Turning a very sad situation into a life lesson for millions to read. He said, “If you learn how to die you learn how to live”. I, like the author, felt slightly confused by the statement, and by the end of the story it all made sense. Living is dying, but not in the way that we think. It‘s about making every single day an experience that makes YOU proud and makes YOU feel like “I lived today”.  I discovered this when Morrie was asked what he would do if he had one healthy day to enjoy and experience life. His answer was a very average day, he wanted to do the things he loved with the people he loved, doing activities that made him feel alive. 

How beautiful is that?, creating a life so peaceful, content, and loving that while dying the last healthiest day would be dedicated to creating a space to just fucking live, simple. No extravagant trips across the world, no shopping sprees, or material things, just a simple day to spread love, be love, and consume love, organically.  Now, of course, this got me thinking deeply about what true love is. Maybe that’s to be saved for a different day because love is such a deep topic, but here.

Our lives are meant to explore the depths of people, to touch everyone we come in contact with to be a portal for them to seek deeper love for themselves. Whether that love comes from themselves or the connection with the people around them. Love will always outshine the darkness in the world. Give your whole heart without shame!

For myself, this confirms my need to wander, to explore the depths of this world through people, things, and environments that give me the space to adventure into new activities and unknown territory. It’s given me the space to seek my advisors and teachers who help me navigate through uncharted areas in fear, yet rise to every occasion to learn and spread what I do know.  Not only that but to be trusted to be a vessel of wisdom and true love. 

Reading about Morrie’s life was reading about my life. Reading about my life is reading about yours, which sets your sail into this world to discover yourself in love. And when the self is in love, it’s projected out into this world. We all, then feel the effects of learning how to die is teaching us how to live. When we learn how to live through love we learn to love others or die. 

Thank you, Mr. Schwartz. Thank you so much for reading. I love you all so much!!!

New Year, Learned Lessons

Happy New Year,

There has been alot going on that has kept me from posting. I know excuses but I know one could imagine life truly be lifing. It’s kinda of annoying but I tend to enjoy the lessons. Speaking on lessons, I’ve been reflecting back to 2023, though a very great year, for me it was all about lessons. It introduced me to my most care free year but quickly reminded me that care free doesn’t always means care free. It just means lessons are always learned because we deny our instincts and ignore our ques oif when to say no. Now this is not always the case, I am absolutely aware that sometimes shit really do just happen. I just refuse to ignore that majority of the time I knew something was going to fuck up a situation. After it was fucked up, I always say to myself “I knew it!”.

As humans, we have strong insticts and powerful intution that could protect us from alot of the bullshit we endure. On my walk of reflection for 2023, I reflected on the lessons that I was forced to learn. The main one being, my disobedience has consequences, and those consequences don’t even have to be a attack of hatred or extreme lost. It can been in simple forms of lost, heartbreak, and sadness. Karma is a bitch and she really will get you, when you aren’t looking and expecting nothing but goodness.

November 11th my puppy was killed after getting out from my apartment while I was away. It was very emotional for me and I blamed nobody for my lost but I do acknowledge that if I was at home I woul'dn’t have endured that. I get bored easily, and decided that I wanted to have a spontaneous weekend away from home. Though, I can’t help but to think, did my need for change mean cost me everything?

The death of my dog is traumic because I feel guilty. I Iet him down and couldn’t protect him as much as he protected me. That hurt my feelings the most, but I know that no one is to blame. I can’t even blame myself because I won’t feel sorry for wanting a break. I can’t blame my sister because he just got away from her, and I can’t blame the car because his anxious ass probably run towards it. The blame really goes towards my inability to deny my flesh and remind in one place while accomplishing my goals. Sometimes sitting still feels like being stagnant. But the actions we are taking are not always physically visible. I just want to take this time and remind my readers that it’s ok to sit still. Motion isn’t always what it’s crack up to be and returning to things that weren’t good for you the first is never a good idea. My first rule of thumb is to NEVER spin the block and going in a circle will always remind why you should’ve ever done it in the first place. You always end up exactly where you started.

A lot of lessons were learned this year and my biggest one is to always follow my first mind.

Thank you for reading. I love you.

What Do You Need?

Waking up has been phenomenal lately. I wake up early enough to complete my morning task and empty my brain before clocking into my work-from-home job. Even though, I’m very grateful, I have been thinking a lot about increased opportunities, my daily habits, and how they affect my future.

I’ve been realizing my time is very important and where I place my time has to be intentional to support the life I desire to live.

Let’s just say now, my entire life is intentional.

Even this moment, I am currently sitting in the sauna after hitting a lower body, mid day workout at my gym. Yes, I skipped out on my day job to clear my mind and go to the gym. There is so much going on in my life currently and there are a lot of decisions I have to finalize. More then ever, I needed a moment to take a break and I wanted to do that before i had a breakdown. I knew work was not going to be my focus so I decided to step away for a couple of hours. This has now become a ritual of mine. Deciding what I need to be my best self in the moment and taking action so that I don't lose sight of my own expectations of myself and that's to simply enjoy life this one life I get to live at all times.

I’m so grateful that I’m at a place in my life where I can pinpoint my emotions and know how to take action before I fall too deep into depression or negative thoughts. I decided that being at work for a couple hours was not what I wanted to do today. So I did what was most beneficial to me at the moment. The biggest mistakes I have ever made were doing something I didn't want to do in the first place and not listening to myself. That kind of regret will always hunt you.

Understanding and controlling my feelings has been my focus as an adult. As I’ve grown, I’ve realized how I feel every moment of every day is important to living a healthy and abundant life. My own mental struggles were due to my inability to focus on any positivity in my life. I was never raised with positive responsibilities that kept me focus, so acquiring those responsibilities as an adult is extremely difficult. Especially since birth everything felt like it was going wrong. In a world that shows you so much bad, why wouldn’t mental illness or struggles be the leading concern?

Humans are visual. If the world is showing you so much bad, what else are you to assume?

At 31, I am wise enough to understand myself, how I function and what actions benefit me from being in tune with my emotions, body, and mental presence. It is important to me now to make decisions for me! Some may say I’m in my selfish era, truly only concerned about me and what I want. Actually to their point, it's true. I am very selfish and only concerned about the things of me. Proudly, I’m perfectly fine with walking away from anything and everything that does not make me feel how I choose to feel and what I know about myself.

It’s very important that in this life we don’t take anything for granted. It’s so easy to get distracted by things that should’ve never had our attention in the first place. I'm not too sure about you but I've always found myself distracted by things that never benefitted me. Never grew me and didn't want to see me grow. I felt like like I always was influential and lifted others up, but when I needed that same attentiveness it was never reciprocated. Honestly, I did blame people for a while but then I realized I love and care for me enough to pour into myself just as I have assisted others in their dreams and confidents into themselves.

I say that to say, I have officially decided to chase my dreams to becoming a professional writer and working in media. It is extremely exciting because I know what I have to offer but, also I know that I have a lot to learn. I have always had a desire to write and spent years on finding my voice and considering my tone. I have made excuses regarding technology and held on to great writing thoughts because I believed them to be too complex to the average reader. Then I realized, may be my desire to write is not to the average person but it's to the complex thinker who enjoy thoughts deeper then existence because we have a deeper understanding of life, spiritually, and how everything truly happens for a reason.

And that's who this is for, the individuals who are being intentional about what they need and how they want to feel because they understand it's more important then everything. Feeling good is the key to completing your day and extremely loving yourself enough understand what you need when you need it. Whether that's using PTO a few hours to clear your mind or you blocked out six hours of your free time for focus work on your dreams. The key to this life shit, is to really believe that what you desire really desires you and at any point will find you the moment you understand what you need.

Soft Life

As you may know, Summer Walker dropped her new album a few months ago named “ Soft Life”. Obviously, we are in times right now where having a “soft life” has been the trend. Many would say the phrase popped up after the pandemic had us having easy lives and out of the hustle and bustle of what communism taught us what living was. The idea of a softer life is beautiful, especially compared to growing up in the hood and experiencing what hunger felt like. Thoughts of my past have me thinking, if having a soft life is the goal, or if a soft life is a code for experiencing our thoughts softly and at a slower pace. I guess the bigger question is, if we can experience a soft life while still living in a chaotic world?

Lately, I have really been taking into consideration what a “soft life” is and what it would mean to me. Not just in the form of dating but also in what I get to give myself every day. I’ve been learning that what I give myself on a daily is what I’m starting to expect from the people I decide to keep in my life. I have been excelling as a single and being intentional in the relationships I keep has been a priority. It seems like in the past, I was just willing to accept anything that people wanted to give to me. They didn’t need to encourage or support me because I was strong enough to do it by myself. At one point in time, I felt as though I was praying and supporting people through their goals while mine were on hold. Then, when I started to really speak about my desires they were ignored or brushed to the side. It seemed as though some people had a hard time lifting me up, when it was absolutely no problem for me to do it. I remember sitting at the table with a friend of mine and their cousins. As the cousins were lifting me up and complimenting me on how I dressed, my “friend” couldn’t help but continuously talk about themself at that moment and completely ignored any compliments that were given to me.

That may seem so petty to you but it’s not a good feeling to be around anyone that doesn’t allow you to have compliments without inserting themselves. That really opened my eyes to how I desired to connect with people. At that moment, I knew I wanted deeper intentional relationships, and I started with myself. I started giving myself everything I desired out of other people and no longer cared what people wanted to give me, I deserved better.

And that’s when I realize what a soft life truly is. It’s just about knowing you deserve better. Without struggle, fuss, or fight. Now, my goal is to live the softest life I can possible. My desire is to always know what I deserve and to only accept that. Leaving behind anything that doesn’t feel good.

What are your thoughts on soft life? Are you living one?

Stop Wasting Time.

I feel like every time I drop a blog I have to have a “come back” post. Which is the only thing to do right? No way should someone return to their blog after months of being MIA and just post randomly without an explanation. Well, before I post what I’ve been up to and get to the point of why I created this blog site in the first place, let me just be honest.

I’ve been writing, anybody that knows me, knows that the pen and paper is my best friend. I truly enjoy what it takes to sit down and put clear, precise words onto the paper. My goal is to “teach the next guy”. But isn’t everyone’s purpose and goal? To be able to teach the next generation from their very own lens?

So, I’ve been writing I just haven’t posted anything. Writer’s block is real! Though who knew it could last so long?

More so, there’s this deciding factor if I want to take my writing seriously and what that looks like for me. Is it me sharpening my skills and pouring them into creating marketing content or being a well-rounded content writer? There are so many ways to be of service in this field and my ultimate goal is to enjoy whatever I decide to do. Not excluding any cons, but I know that whatever challenges I face are ones that I’m up for because I truly enjoy what I give my mind and time to daily.

It’s really mind blowing to me when people say they have been working at the same place for 20+ years. It’s beautiful, yet mind-blowing. But wouldn’t that be the result if you truly loved what you do?

So more then ever I have been really taking time for myself and sharpening my skills while working on the things I love. I’ve come to realize that just existing is our birthright but contributing to our society is too, and that’s subjective. And because, what we contribute to this world is subjective it really doesn’t matter how we contribute or what we contribute. Just that we do, in creativity, work, love, time, passion, money, whatever works best from whatever your standpoint of life is.

Our contribution to this world should be full of passion, love, and humanity. Anything else is a waste of time.

Thank you so much for reading. I love you!

Alone in space…

Lately, I’ve been maturing and that’s with a capital “M”. I’ve been taking the time to make sure that I’m not taking anything personal. I’ve been looking at things from the other person perspective to make sure this go round is about the healthiest parts of me. With this understanding, I ‘ve been able to let go. No malice, no energy, just let go into space like dust. I love that for me. I appreciate I’m able to just breathe through this life shit. Through the up’s and downs, this life thing is insane and you can never expect what’s coming next.

The thing is you truly never know what is going on outside of your world. That seems selfish but when you are focused isn’t that the purpose? I’m not sure if I’m overthinking or if other people feel the same way, but I feel like I’m failing at getting older. It’s really hard keeping up with my old ways of life. I’m not the best person when it comes to keeping up but it’s really hard keeping up with other people’s lives and socializing when you are trying to build a life of your own. I guess it’s the sacrifice I have to make to see myself further. Well, that’s what I’m telling myself. I pray everything works out according to how it’s supposed to.

I just turned 31 years old and I’m not sure what I am doing, I just know I have to trust the feelings that I’ve been getting from what I am doing. I’m not sure if that makes sense but it’s exactly what I believe it to be. When I decided against depression and anxiety I decided against everthing that made me feel like I can’t be my ultimate self at my purest form. That left me alone in space, and I want to show my magic and that comes with me being me and not forcing me into any situation that didn’t make me feel absolutely comfortable.

Grateful to the souls I get to share space with. But majority of the time I just want to be in space. Do you still love me?

Because I love you so much. Thank you!

A Moment in Time

I’m just sitting here being grateful for the many things I have and the thing I’m most grateful for is peace. I have grown to be in love with everything peace means. Peace means tranquility! The literal definition is freedom from disturbance. Geesh, how blessed am I to be able to sit comfortable in my bed, while listening to the rain and have such a silence, it’s so peaceful. No distractions, no one to bother, just me and God existing. It feels so good to be this present, to be this taken care of, and know that everything that is rough at the moment, is going to be a thing of the past. Just like everything fucking else, that’s already in the past!! I’m so grateful to be in this moment at this time and be completely okay with that. I’m grateful that I am BreShay and get to share these words with you during this worship. To have this time to basket in this moment, I get to describe my true peace in my most honest form because this is truly peaceful.

I really don’t know what I did to earn this moment but I don’t doubt that I deserve it. I remember when I couldn’t have imagine being able to stand this kind of silence. No fan, no white noise, just Me and God. This feels so good, so refreshing, and so beautiful. I get times like this often but this feels different, this feels like true gratefulness.

God, I’m so grateful.

I guess I came here to say, the only peace you need is inside of YOU! Peace will never come in things, people, or places. Peace is in that moment or any moment you decide that you won’t be disturbed by NOTHING!!! The peace we need is created in us, exercised in us, and radiated back into the world. Everything we need is within us and in order to have it, you must BE IT!!

Happy International Peace Day.

I really pray this healed, refreshed, reminded, released, and replenished you today and days to come.

This is dedicated to my grandmother Bessie Elise Cobb Reese and My Father Kenneth Warnsley. May they truly rest peacefully. ❤️

Thank you so much! I truly value your time. I love you!

I want to be in LOVE…

Today drained me! I’m not sure what today’s tea had in it but I’m sure it was whiskey. I always know when I’m not feeling my best because it tends to feel like my nervous system is jumping out of my body. I know that’s when my anxiety has gotten the best of me and all I want to do is fold inward. Today’s thought was, that I would love to lay in (yes in!) my man after he gets off work and we won’t talk for hours. We would just rub all over each other while I cried for 20 minutes, a mixture of happy, sad, and grateful tears. He wouldn’t ask me what was wrong because it is a part of my routine, we would make love, slowly but rough. Kiss all over each other, shower together well we talk about our day, I would make dinner, we would smoke than eat, pray, plan our next day, make love again, and close the night out in a deep sleep. I would’ve loved some intimate time with my partner, just to get lost for a minute. I want to be in love, a deeply passionate love where I am adored and admired. I want to be sought after deeply, I want my man to try to catch his breath often because it’s literally breathtaking to be with me. Then after nights like that, long deep conversations, and intimate time, I would imagine something like that would be refreshing.

The problem is I don’t have a man and that kind of intensity, people tend to run from because it takes a great level of unselfishness, awareness, & intimacy that people don’t even understand. Nights like that are built between two people willing to take that kind of ride and understand true peace, true love, and genuine care are what build relationships.

Now, I’m far from the relationship guru, so take everything I say with a grain of salt because I don’t know. But, they do say “good coaches don’t make good players”. I rebuke that on my life but y’all know what I’m saying.

Being in love is about being intentional, and taking care of your partner’s heart, emotional, and mental health. It’s about truly caring and showing up for someone whenever you can because you made a conscious decision to do so. It’s truly a commitment!

Like the commitment, I made to myself. To love, be patient, and absolutely care for me. One thing I’m going to do is take care of myself, FIRST!! There were so many times when I thought that other people came before me and that was so false and disgusting. I suffered! But never again, then I figured why should I today?

I put on my clothes after a long, content-filled day, and went to the grocery store. There is NOTHING a home-cooked meal can’t fix. I got the ingredients for a healthy, yet hearty meal to fix all of my emotional needs but still meet the caloric deficit that I’m in. What I put in my body has been a huge help when I started to decide how I wanted to feel. We just go everyday living and putting things in our bodies that hold zero benefits. Anything I put on or in my body I want it to be beneficial because if it isn’t then what are we doing?

I needed to know that I was taken care of, WELL taken care of, I needed to know that food would be prepared, good, and filling without thought.

After I put my food on, I got in the shower. Nothing calms my nerves like a piping hot shower and a great-smelling exfoliating scrub, my favorite right now is the Dove brown sugar and coconut butter scrub. It’s very gentle and illuminating, it smells so good and it’s gentle on your skin for a light glow. I put on my exfoliating shower gloves to emphasize the tenderness I felt for myself that night. I needed the pressure. I wanted to remind myself that I hear you, I love you, and I truly care for you, and your needs. All this was happening while listening to my favorite 90’s R&B playlist full of Jagged Edge, Sade, and Joe.

After my shower, I put on my favorite melatonin oil by Dr. Teals while still wet because that’s the best way for your body to absorb moisture. There’s nothing that says you hate yourself more than when you completely dry off with a towel and then apply lotion. While I dried off, I rolled up, prepared my dinner, and cleaned up my space so that when I sat down after slipping on my skankiest nightgown, I could eat in peace and quiet.

That’s what I literally did, no TV or music, just me, God, and a tough ass whine down. I tried to write but I didn’t even have the strength. I just wanted to be empty-minded, present, and whole at that moment. After I ate and smoked, I climbed into my perfect, beautiful, soothing bed to my 50-pound weighted blanket and weighted mask. It was the perfect night for a single girl, feeling herself, and her environment and getting rid of the bullshit that tried to take her out.

It was….romantic?

…I am in love…deeply

until my man comes ;)

Thank you for reading. I love you!

a Writers thoughts…

I have been trying to start my writing career but haven’t found what to write about yet. I never want my words to ever go on deaf ears. Though I have been extremely inspired lately. I haven’t been creative. My mind has been able to explore but I haven’t been able to put it on paper. I wonder what it will take to honestly be great at writing. Word for word, writing what the next generation greatest words and wisdom will be. I believe I’m on the right path because my focus and desire is at its highest. Opportunities are coming my way and everything feels just right.

When I turned 30, that was all I wanted to focus on was how I felt it’s extremely important because when I didn’t focus on how I felt and would just aimlessly go at life that’s when my anxiety was at its highest and I couldn’t understand why I felt so bad at times. Focusing on how you feel is important because it’s your heart and gut being aligned with your desires and that always feels phenomenal.

I want to feel my way through this life. I want to feel high, lifted, and grateful at all times. I want to be happy and have peace in every area of my life. I want a newness and the goal is to not recognize myself in 3 years in the truest, fullest form. I want everything God wants for me. Like, Lauren London said during her interview with Angie Martinez, I really don’t want to miss my mark. I never want to miss what I’m supposed do be doing on this planet because If we do, what are we doing here?

Also, I want to write my way through this life. Hopefully, you continue to read. Thank you so much for spending time with me. I love you!

-BreShay

Feel That Sh*t…

Lately, I’ve been giving myself permission to grieve the small things. It’s not the norm but I feel it’s important. We take lost everyday, yet we don’t stop and take a moment to just feel our feels. I believe our lack of coping mechanisms come from not grieving the “small” things. Where as when the “big” things happen, we only know how to outwardly express our emotions in a big way or emotion; screaming, yelling, violence etc. Though, I am extremely emotional and a sensitive being, I find myself being my strongest at times of “big” grief. I didn’t cry when my cousin got brutally murdered in the streets of Detroit, I didn’t cry when my grandma (favorite person in the world) went to be with the Lord at the high age of 97, and I didn’t cry when we found my father died on his face in a very unpleasant environment. Actually, thinking back I’ve never been so calm. God gave me this supernatural kind of patience and understanding that will forever exceed my own understanding, always. It’s like, for as long as I could remember I understood what pain was.

It was always something I looked at as common. I believed that if it didn’t feel good that was fine because everything we endured doesn’t. Right? I mean when you’re that young, do you even know what happiness is? Would you know sadness?, besides feeling some type of way and crying about it?

Now, I’m not the one to dismiss anyone’s emotions. I’m the Auntie that every time my niece twist up her little brown nose (which is all the time, her mother’s daughter 🙄) I’m asking if she would like a hug. So I would never deny that childrens emotions are invalid, the question is, to what extent? I think I’ve always question it. Even as a kid myself, I felt like people didn’t care about kids feelings.

How do I know, you ask? 😏

I was the youngest of 4, and no matter how much attention people thought I was getting as “the baby”. It wasn’t enough. So at the same time every night I would break out into tears. Full blown crocodile tears too, the ones only the baby of the family could spill out for no reason, without getting beat to an inch of her life. My family would ask me what’s wrong sweetly at first. Then, it would lead to everybody telling me to shut my crybaby ass up. My theory nobody actually really cared, they only cared enough to shut me up for the time being. Emotionally, I was a wreck and needed a long hug.

Now, OF COURSE, that’s my projection and only my side of the story but if I was really grieving, really upset, or really sad, nobody took the time to be patient and explain to me what emotions, communication, and how to be expressive. Nobody explains the small grieves even the ones that “don’t matter”.

The small things matter, they always mattered, and they always will matter. The big outcomes never come from big gestures. It is always the small, little things that you change or learn that eventually add up to something big, something greater, something you’ve created by taking one small step at a time. If I have learned nothing in my lifetime while being on my fitness journey now for 2 years. I’ve learned that the small things matter. It’s the little things that I change about my diet and routine that make a ton of difference in my weight and toning.

By focusing on the small grieves and allowing myself to really grieve about inconveniences daily, I learned that emotions come and go. From hard days at work to having inconvenient run ins with strangers, those emotions are fleeting. After awhile you learn that somethings never mattered in the first place. Now realizing this, for me, doesn’t make me stop taking the time to allow myself to be in distress about anything. I believe that allowing yourself to have a real reaction about what affects you helps you become emotionally intelligent. Doing this helps, you become aware of what bothers you and it assist with understanding your triggers so that they can be controllled by you and not others.

Also, it helps me to not have an irrational reaction. Nowadays I like to think things through. In the past, it was always react first and think and ask questions later. I got tired of reacting to something that never had anything to do with me. Today, it may take me 3 days to respond but I allowed myself to think through the process. I want to understand how it made me feel and why I would be reacting however I choose. It’s not to give validation to myself but help me really make the decision that my reaction was well thought out and processed, so if I act out it was because I really felt some type of way.

I don’t write this so that you can follow what I believe, but I do encourage that exploring the small grieves encourages growth, power, and control of yourself. Self control is extremely important especially in these times when everything is made to distract us. Take time to allow your grieves to distress you, be patient, and have grace with yourself when making decisions. The ease you will feel regarding people, issues, and situations will change drastically. But if you feel some type of way, feel that shit, deal with that shit, and stand on it.

Thank you forever and ever, I appreciate spending this time with you. I love you!

- BreShay

The Bounce Back

I had a mental breakdown today. I haven’t had one of those in a while, but this time I was much more vocal about my needs and I tried to lean on friends and family. This was way more progress than previous times, when slipping into depression meant me blacking out for 32 days with minimal showers, poor ass diets, and waking up in full-blown tears completely unaware as to why. But, this time I was able to see that my mind was really messing with me and walked myself through a very difficult process. I’m honestly proud of myself and how I navigated it, I believed for so long that ignoring my emotions and what I am experiencing will go away but, from experience that’s not true. I have never grown from suppressing myself, it always made me feel weak to not say what I wanted. Balling up in a ball of your own words is not fun. It always made me feel like my words weren’t important or valued. And now, here I am at the big age of 30 in a full battle with myself and in my relationships because I refuse for my voice not to be heard, yet, my tone is silent. If anyone knows the importance of words, intent, and tone it’s me. Yet, I struggle with being outwardly expressive at times. And I honestly don’t mean to, I would love to be known for other things than being mysterious. It’s a weird way to describe someone and though my intentions are not to be, I highly honor meekness.

I’ve always thought there was something powerful about a meek woman. Someone who feels like they don’t have to do too much in order to get their point across. I’ve always wanted to be like that. Not shaken by someone’s words or actions because it honestly doesn’t bother you. The only thing that keeps me from my ultimate level of meekness is the very thin line between meekness and playing the fool. Lines can get really thin and crossed, that’s where I draw the line. I won’t be anybody’s fool. EVER! But that’s my battle, I truly believe God to send people who will not be shaken by this. Though, I know many people will have some smart come back. WHICH brings me to ask, why ya’’ll always have a think piece next to somebody’s opinion?

Maybe I’ll write about that next.

Anywho back to the topic, as I get older I find my mental breakdowns to come less, and find ways to get out of them quicker. I’ve changed so much just in the last year and at times it’s hard for me to embrace it but I don’t feel comfortable in my old ways. I honestly got worked up because I had to get rid of a very good friend that I was getting to know. We had become so comfortable with each other and at times it seemed like it could work but it didn’t. Change gives me butterflies, it makes me so fucking nervous but nothing has ever grown in its comfort zone. I know to be my best self I have to be around others who are aiming to be their best selves and sometimes it doesn’t include your past and sometimes it won’t include your present. I understand that staying stagnant never made me feel good or happy. I had to teach myself that and I had to put in the work to make sure in this life I know I deserve good shit and happiness. I won’t settle for anything less.

I guess, ultimately, I’m saying, know who you are, what you want, and who deserves to be connected to you. This shit does not always feel good. And when I say ”shit” I mean this life shit. But it’s worth the process of truly getting what you deserve and enjoying the growth of getting there. The souls we connect with during this life always teach us a thing or two. Whether it’s how to truly love, refrain from anger, or even how not to play the fool. Know what makes you happy, say no to anything else outside of that, and teach people how to do the same thing. It’s your life and you only get one. Never feel obligated to people and their ideas of what it looks like to show up. Shit changes every day, why wouldn’t you expect me to do the same? We do change with the times, right?

Anywho. For me it’s been months, I learned to let that shit go, and focus on the people, places, and things that will make me feel in love, only! And completely stay away from anything that doesn’t. I’m no longer risking myself at the expense of others. I encourage you to do the same thing. Protect yourself, friends. Always bounce back, you will love yourself even more in the future.

Thanks for reading. I love you!

BreShay

Stop Thinking Like This

Every day I catch myself seriously thinking about life. I think about my purpose and how I want to be seen in the legacy I leave. I think about my family and how I see us growing but also where I see us growing too. Having such a vision like mine, I dream to leave an impact on the people of this world. This leads me to say, sometimes we think the purpose is this thing we are supposed to be doing. When in reality, I believe our purpose is the experience of where we get to. I think that’s the thing that had messed me up so badly in the past. That believing that if I am doing this one thing that helps a couple of people then that would be my end all. Not at all, I believe purpose is rooted in a lot of things and we get so caught up chasing one, that we never take the time to catch the other ones. We miss so much, focused on one thing that doesn’t exist. Humans live so limitedly, we are a species that really put all of our seeds in one place and expect them to sprout everywhere. It’s really weird. And at what point in this lifetime do we snatch the bandages off?

I understand sometimes people’s thinking can be so one-track-minded, but I just can’t believe that people believe in only one solution or resolution. Why limit your thinking and possibilities like that? Why limit your outcome? And these are just my thoughts. It’s really interesting to me that people do that, which is probably why I happen to be a great conversationalist. I tend to ask a lot of questions and wonder about a lot of things which leads to different avenues of exploring in conversation.

I guess the point I’m getting to is honestly stop limiting yourself and your thinking. I’m sure sources somewhere would tell you it limits your quality of life. We really do waste a lot of time worrying about shit that doesn’t matter. It hinders our ability to go forward and stops us from emerging ourselves into multiple purposes. Stop missing the mark on where you are going by thinking you only have one destination. Your existence is needed infinitely.

Thanks for reading. I love you!

…onto 30& up

Lately, I have been feeling the freest I have ever felt. Through my 20’s, I was on this relentless journey to find freedom. I really didn’t know what I was looking for. I wasn’t sure if it was tangible or spiritual. All I knew, was I wanted to feel like I could breathe. It’s like the majority of my 20s was spent trying to catch my breath from running. But have you ever decided that you needed to run to blow off some steam and while you are trying to catch your breath after you are done you start having an asthma attack but didn’t know you had asthma? Severe asthma, at that! Yes, those ’20s hit hard and felt like they would never end.

I have never wanted anything but to enjoy the entrance to my new decade of fresh beginnings. I heard amazing things about the 30’s and I wanted to enter it with a brand new mindset and out of my old toxic ways. At some point, I decided to stop pretending that things were good for me and started being completely honest with myself and how I was feeling. I no longer wanted to be optimistic about where I was going by chance and decided to become more intentional about how I spent my time and energy. I wanted to know what I really wanted out of this life and how I would serve the next person. Reading my work is knowing, I know this life isn’t about me and I want to be able to leave a mark when I am gone.

I really just wanted to get to where I could really enjoy life without feeling ashamed, guilty, and unworthy of simply living. I found out that while feeling this way, a lot of time would pass me by. I no longer wanted to wait, I wanted to go get or at least feel like I was capable. Honestly, I never felt capable of doing anything especially when it came to finishing, the record of my life showed me that. I understood I needed to adopt a winners mindset and release myself from holding on to the things that I physically saw. At some point, I needed to believe in the things that deeply resonated with me and those things are sometimes not tangible. I needed to believe in myself and everything that I am capable of.

I wish I was writing this because I have figured out the key to life. I could’ve researched a ton of motivational speakers that tells us to wake up at 5 AM and have every key to every lesson but their journey is not mine. I’m okay with that! I’m absolutely capable of figuring out what works for me. That’s what this life is about discovering you beyond surface-level shit. Seeking wisdom but not being consumed by other peoples “life lessons” but gaining, navigating, and healing from your own. I truly believe every body has something to learn from the next person. It may not be the lesson you want but it’s the lesson you need in order to elevate beyond yourself.

Onto the 30s, the decade of exuding capability and finishing.

I love you. Thank you for reading.

self help

The one time I tried therapy the lady basically told me there is nothing wrong with me. She said I had a slight form of “growth” anxiety and everybody has it. I’m not sure of her thoughts nor do I question her analytical approach, I just felt this was odd information within the third session. Now, of course, my expectations of therapy were different. I expected to be in someone’s office laying across the couch being asked about my childhood. Instead, it was deep in the middle of a pandemic. I was at home, pouring my heart out to a complete stranger on a camera. Saying that out loud sounds really crazy.

Anywho, long story short, it wasn’t long before I realized I could really do this “personal growth” thing myself. I don’t mean solely, just the majority of the time. Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying I will never need therapy. For me, it was just the wrong person and the wrong moment. After I decided I was completely taking control over myself mentally, I started my journey to complete life transformation. I wanted all the bullshit out of my life and wanted to see what it felt like if I really said fuck everything and truly try at life.

Before I made such a mature decision, I spent days down and out. I remember continously asking myself what was wrong? Turns out it was nothing and I just really hated my life. That’s when I knew I needed a change. It wasn’t more so about the hate towards my life, I hated that I would have to put in the work and take responsibilty for myself. I believe that’s why people don’t grow; the ability to take care of yourself, believe in your actions, and understand your own mind is such a daunting process and never heard of, especially where I come from. As quiet as it’s kept, I never knew anyone who made it out the hood, even to live the middle class good life. I knew I wanted more, whether I get it now or not is to be continued…

Thank you for reading, I love you.

Mind Dump

I was sitting around some acquaintances not too long ago when we started playing a game. The game could’ve turned very sour if played with the wrong people. One of the people asked for everyone to go around the room and give one word of their first impressions of the next person. You can imagine, eyebrows most definitely started to rise. Mainly because some of us had only met the others for the first time that night, then I started thinking people were going to get funny because we were enjoying alcoholic beverages and you know what they say about “drunken minds speaking sober thoughts”. I was thrown off, but my ideas quickly changed because I had nothing but good affirmations and love to give to everyone in the room. Plus, I understand that I don’t even attract that kind of person in my life. We started playing the game and it was all love and bubbles. Some of the words I received were educated, queen, and confidence. A few months later, I’m just digesting what was said.

I was having a conversation this morning about what I want out of this life. I always find myself being so passionate because I KNOW! I have such a different outlook and have experienced a lot of things so far that have gotten me to feel the way that I feel at this moment. This made me think about the game I was playing that night and what was said. We can never see ourselves through other people’s eyes. That night was an insight into how I am viewed against my peers. I never would’ve picked those words for myself and to be honest, I’m not completely sure I fully connect with them. I know they are adjectives and not ultimately who I am but I enjoy that that’s the start of my foundation and the very thin line between who I am and who I am becoming.

I hate that people around me make me feel like what I want is so outlandish. As if life isn’t supposed to feel good or if I am not supposed to expect great things and great feelings. It’s a nasty conversation, discussing every good has to come with some bad. I hate that we feel like we should always be in expectation of things going wrong.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not irrational or a complete imbecile. I absolutely understand that things aren’t always going to go as planned but am I completely wrong for declaring that all things in my life are and will be good? Am I irrational for knowing that my drive for education, open-mindedness, routine, and growth will lead me to success? or what I determine my idea of success is. I just believe every time I speak on something that I want or things I desire, they will always come in a great way. Is that naive?

I never want to be or come off as if I am clueless about what’s going on in the world and the truth around me. Though, I absolutely believe that life is so much more than trying to figure out the bad. Why is being in expectation of good things frowned upon? People listen to what you say and be quick to tear down your experiences and desires but always feels the need to tell you about their experiences. As if theirs are more impactful than what you have experienced yourself.

Why am I being sure about what I want and who I am, a threat to someone else’s reality? I may be being extremely dramatic but why is it so hard to let people live in their delusion? Isn’t that where we manifest from anyway? We use our imagination to form delusions in our minds to get what we want. I don’t harm anyone having the thoughts, ideas, and desires that I have. I don’t harm anyone believing my shit is coming freely, easy, and within the flow of how I’m operating.

To my readers, your individuality should never be dimmed by the voices of others. The drive is never to get approval from the people around you but should always be to serve the ones that need you.

I truly love you. Thanks for reading.

N*ggas be Annoying

I just be wondering sometimes why niggas have to be so annoying. I mean, all people. I’m sure it has to be me because I am always the problem but hear me out. The older I get the more I’ve come to realize that I get irritated very easily. Loud noises, talking negatively, repeating yourself, bragging, complaining, corniness, and laziness are all things that I just have to completely pull myself away from. I know ya’ll feel me, like loud spaces just ain’t it anymore. I want to hear things because I generally appreciate hearing.
WARNING: During this post, I am going to say “niggas” a lot. So if you have a problem, please exit now. Thank you.

If you have decided to read on, during the read of this post the word “niggas” is in general with no one specific in gender, race, or relationship status but I know y’all gone feel me regardless.

The other day I got to thinking about all the “niggas” in my life and what I have had to put up with in the last couple of years. I try to be as self aware as possible by saying I know sometimes I be the problem. But, a lot of the time I wasn’t. Then when I realized I wasn’t the problem and distance myself niggas go overboard to “care”. Shit is really disgusting, like why not just do right the first time?
I get it! Niggas be human, and so am I. But damn! I wouldn’t do half the things to people what they do to me. I never want to play victim so I know distance is sometimes the only resolution. I’m never opposed to that because niggas are annoying but I get lonely. Not in a sad way, just not being able to dump my thoughts on somebody is disheartening. Seriously, reasons why I write A LOT! I be having so many things in my mind, it stay racing.

I’m not anti people or anything but lately, I’ve been making sure that I have been vocal about my feelings and my expectations from people. I mean it’s all out of love. I use to ignored the fucked up shit and now I’m calling everybody out when I’m feeling some type of way. Let me know how y’all feel about me saying that, but honestly I have been liberated. I can’t hold other peoples fuck ups, I already have to hold my own.

Tonight.
I’m just thinking and trying to dump my feelings out. I wanted this to be my changed mind at leaving annoying niggas behind but niggas be annoying.

Thanks for reading. I love all my annoying niggas tho.

Vanish by GIVĒON on repeat.

Higher Learning: My Think Piece

I have been getting into a routine of early rising in the morning. Yeah, I’m genuinely trying to be apart of the 5 AM club. I find myself chuckling at that statement because who am I? This very divine adult, adulting at its highest form. I tend to surprise myself with the decisions that I have been making for the last 3 years. I have been very empowered to increase my life experience. Because why experience life vibrating low? Trust me I know that too well. In my last depressisode, I was really in a funk, I vowed to myself to never get that low. And for all my concerned readers, a depressisode is a series that I go through and call an episode because it truly is a finite period in which someone, “I” is affected by a specified illness “depression”. Dramatically said but it’s a very dramatic event. Those episodes really tried to steal my joy. So every day, I wake up with intentionality to create an experience that I enjoy.

I really love life and life in itself has motivated me to this very period. I’m not sure how far that is measuring my life and age but I enjoy the wonders of life and thinking about what’s next. It’s fascinating to me that at any moment, life can change and be good or bad. Essentially, we are waiting around to see what’s next and just making sure that each moment is a benefit to us and try not to harm ourselves or the future in any kind of way. God really gave us a lot of responsibility and I think that’s the purpose of this post and where my thoughts are leading me.

In reading 5 AM club and really THINKING, my job from this moment and forward is to think myself into the next direction. Sometimes we just be gliding no thoughts, no list, just vibes and it’s the sickest shit. Why not have a direction and go with the flow. Maybe it’s just me but when I was in college I overthought everything. Just thinking back to it is making me cringe. It was truly nasty business and now I can’t help but to think like what if I had really gone with the flow, chilled, and seen what opportunities I would’ve run into because I was paying attention to some shit. And that’s not even to change the past but engage my future more. Literally, the question I have been asking myself is what have I missed in the past that shaped my future?

To simplify it more, I guess I’m saying, taking so much time to overthink things made me miss my present. I no longer want to do that and writing this out is too close to overthinking. So I will leave y’all with this . . .this year take time to think, really think and allow your thoughts.

Thanks for reading, I love you so much!

Be in love with this sh*t!

I’ve been interested in this guy lately, he is many years older than me but I find him intrigued for some odd reason beyond myself. Through really trying to understand me and my feelings I have been very vulnerable lately. The other night in conversation, I opened up to him and expressed myself regarding writing.
I’ve felt over the years this odd, less creative way of writing has crept up on me and left me blank in the mind. Generally, I expressed how I believed the fear of people reading behind me has hindered my thoughts and ability to free write. I get so caught up in thinking about how people would view my mind, thoughts, and how I put them honestly out into the world. Though, it was never my battle to fight in the first place. I can only give what I have and stand on how I put myself out there.

It’s interesting that I came to this conclusion because I never really gave a fuck about what people thought about me outwardly. I would assume that this was a result of being plus size. I never cared about being heavier but I understood how it affected me and the things people would say regarding it. I never gave a fuck because I was always still me. My talent was different.
When I was younger, my writing was praised because I was able to use my imagination and no one understood how in detail such a young girl could be. I knew I was passionate and creative at a young age. It’s like every step of the way niggas would step on your shit and say a bunch of unnecessary negative things. That shit hinders your mind and your ability to be free.
Over the last couple years of the pandemic, I’ve been protecting my shit and really getting back to my basics. That’s truly not giving a fuck and genuinely doing me. It is important to me to let my passion out because honestly if I don’t my head would probably explode. I be head over heels in love with this shit. There has literally been no other way for me, it’s not fun if I can’t get my shit off with fun banter and my sarcasm.
Now, I’m intentionally navigating my way through what feels right to me. I appreciate “my guy” because he was literally just listening while I verbally figured it out. Today, these thoughts really got the best of me throughout the day because there is really a process to this shit. Not taking your time to really figure out what’s for you literally ruins your purpose and sets you years and maybe even decades behind what you are supposed to be doing.

And, I’m not sure about y’all but this way, it’s truly fuck generational curses I’m really good on that! I just get in my feels when I see and feel something for myself to only be met with the process and not the results. But that’s typical millennial shit or whatever they think about us.
Recently, I’ve been falling in love with the process though. It’s really draining but the satisfaction of saying I really worked for everything that I have, here (presents results) are results, and this is what you have to look forward to while going through your process is going to be the hightlight of my life.
I’m truly looking forward to being in love with this shit! But I’m brilliantly and safely in my own world.

Thank you for reading, I love you!

Monday Mental Dump; Vol. 1

Today,

my energy ran so low. I felt myself dying to find ways to calm my anxiety and my “not so worries” worries. Through understanding myself, I become so grateful with knowing healthy ways to soothe myself into feeling better. No more abusing myself and forcing the belief of “I always have to be grateful about my situation”. Because sometimes shit is really just fucked up. I know that sounds harsh but it really is but that is no reason to not fight like hell to NOT conform and really overcome your weaknesses.

I have learned that I only get better while really focusing on my weaknesses, facing all my fears, and really pushing myself to the next level. I want to be better! I have it in me! And I say that completely in confidence, especially after years of believing I was a product of my environment. I’m grateful to be able to breathe my way into progression and to know that everything is working out for me.
Currently, I feel grateful to be able to understand myself and my circumstances. Never to play victim, but mentally I couldn’t handle myself and the games my mind played. Often, I had these heavy periods of depression that held me bound to a routine of work, no showers and no food for days, and sometimes weeks. I hated myself at that point because it had become beyond hard to get myself out of those times. I’m grateful to be able to break those sessions and feels of darkness to overcome them with healthy, brilliant, beautiful light.
Even though, this morning, I felt like I was going backwards, I saw those same dark clouds but literally not allowing myself to be consumed has given me so much pleasure to live, breathe, and love.
I ask God often to help me. I mean in everything. Help me be better overall, help me think through the woes of life and really consider a healthy reaction. I remember when my emotions towards “that thing” was more important then why I felt a way towards it. All of this is a process, I’m grateful to have patience with myself to see me through heavy times.

have patience with yourself. Breathe. That feeling you are having is only there because you keep thinking about it. Now, go create.