The Bounce Back
I had a mental breakdown today. I haven’t had one of those in a while, but this time I was much more vocal about my needs and I tried to lean on friends and family. This was way more progress than previous times, when slipping into depression meant me blacking out for 32 days with minimal showers, poor ass diets, and waking up in full-blown tears completely unaware as to why. But, this time I was able to see that my mind was really messing with me and walked myself through a very difficult process. I’m honestly proud of myself and how I navigated it, I believed for so long that ignoring my emotions and what I am experiencing will go away but, from experience that’s not true. I have never grown from suppressing myself, it always made me feel weak to not say what I wanted. Balling up in a ball of your own words is not fun. It always made me feel like my words weren’t important or valued. And now, here I am at the big age of 30 in a full battle with myself and in my relationships because I refuse for my voice not to be heard, yet, my tone is silent. If anyone knows the importance of words, intent, and tone it’s me. Yet, I struggle with being outwardly expressive at times. And I honestly don’t mean to, I would love to be known for other things than being mysterious. It’s a weird way to describe someone and though my intentions are not to be, I highly honor meekness.
I’ve always thought there was something powerful about a meek woman. Someone who feels like they don’t have to do too much in order to get their point across. I’ve always wanted to be like that. Not shaken by someone’s words or actions because it honestly doesn’t bother you. The only thing that keeps me from my ultimate level of meekness is the very thin line between meekness and playing the fool. Lines can get really thin and crossed, that’s where I draw the line. I won’t be anybody’s fool. EVER! But that’s my battle, I truly believe God to send people who will not be shaken by this. Though, I know many people will have some smart come back. WHICH brings me to ask, why ya’’ll always have a think piece next to somebody’s opinion?
Maybe I’ll write about that next.
Anywho back to the topic, as I get older I find my mental breakdowns to come less, and find ways to get out of them quicker. I’ve changed so much just in the last year and at times it’s hard for me to embrace it but I don’t feel comfortable in my old ways. I honestly got worked up because I had to get rid of a very good friend that I was getting to know. We had become so comfortable with each other and at times it seemed like it could work but it didn’t. Change gives me butterflies, it makes me so fucking nervous but nothing has ever grown in its comfort zone. I know to be my best self I have to be around others who are aiming to be their best selves and sometimes it doesn’t include your past and sometimes it won’t include your present. I understand that staying stagnant never made me feel good or happy. I had to teach myself that and I had to put in the work to make sure in this life I know I deserve good shit and happiness. I won’t settle for anything less.
I guess, ultimately, I’m saying, know who you are, what you want, and who deserves to be connected to you. This shit does not always feel good. And when I say ”shit” I mean this life shit. But it’s worth the process of truly getting what you deserve and enjoying the growth of getting there. The souls we connect with during this life always teach us a thing or two. Whether it’s how to truly love, refrain from anger, or even how not to play the fool. Know what makes you happy, say no to anything else outside of that, and teach people how to do the same thing. It’s your life and you only get one. Never feel obligated to people and their ideas of what it looks like to show up. Shit changes every day, why wouldn’t you expect me to do the same? We do change with the times, right?
Anywho. For me it’s been months, I learned to let that shit go, and focus on the people, places, and things that will make me feel in love, only! And completely stay away from anything that doesn’t. I’m no longer risking myself at the expense of others. I encourage you to do the same thing. Protect yourself, friends. Always bounce back, you will love yourself even more in the future.
Thanks for reading. I love you!
BreShay
